Therefore, if any man is in Christ he is a new creature –
the old one has gone, the new one has come. – 2 Corinthians 15:7
I have a confession to make. I was a pornography addict for
many years. Not only this, I was also hooked to the other shameful activities surrounding
this vice.
It all started when a classmate of mine showed me an adult
magazine. Upon seeing the colored photos of naked women my 13-year old mind
went crazy; I was deeply fascinated, and absorbed by it that I couldn’t get my
eyes and hands off the magazine. Soon I moved on to the next stage.
After burning a lot of adult pictures to my mind, I finally
asked – “What if I do this? How will it feel?” I overheard my male classmates
talked about masturbation, and how normal it was for boys my age. I bought the
devil’s pitch. Little did I know that I was entering a very long, dark, and
miserable tunnel.
A part of me warned, and pleaded that I should stop, and don’t
go through with it. However, another part of me said, “Don’t worry. You can
stop anytime you want. It’s under your control.”
It was a BIG lie. I wasn’t in control. In reality, I was
being controlled by lust much like a drug addict is being controlled by a
strong desire for drugs.
My addiction to pornography became so bad that there were a
couple of times that I was awakened at around 2AM by a strong desire to relieve myself. At
that point I knew I was already way over my head. Actually, I was already an addict.
Still I believed that by sheer will power I could break
free. So I gritted my teeth and willed
myself to resist. But after a few days or a couple of weeks, I was at it again. After
countless defeats, I gave up trying and indulged in my vice instead. But it
only made me hate myself even more.
In desperation, I looked for a magic formula that would
make me immune to lust in self-help books, but to my despair I found no such
book. Once again I met a dead end.
Finally, running out of option, I approached God. I remember
praying – “Lord make me strong enough to resist the temptations“. But it didn’t work. I thought that I was so
dirty that God didn’t want anything to do with me so I availed of the Sacrament of
Penance many times only to succumb to my vice days later.
I started to dread going to confession out of embarrassment
to confess the same sin over and over again. If I went to confession I made
sure that the setup was not face-to-face, and that the priest was not someone I
knew. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself. I felt so unworthy of God’s love.
I started to think that I was already a lost cause.
But God was not done with me yet.
Despite all the defeats and frustrations I met, I did not
stop calling on to God for help. I never lost hope. One evening while I was in Japan for a business trip, I was
watching a recorded talk by Bo Sanchez when out of nowhere God spoke to my
heart – “You’re fighting alone.”
These three simple words changed the course of the battle
raging inside of me. In an instant everything became so clear to me; I was
fighting the Gates of Hell alone. No wonder I always came out defeated. I remember asking myself, “How can I be so blind and stupid?
How can I offend such a loving and merciful God?”
That night in Japan, I cried like a little boy out of shame, regret, repentance, joy and gratitude. Spontaneously, I professed my love for Jesus over and over again; the outpouring of strong emotions from within me was so great that I might have exploded if I haven’t done so. My spirit was so ecstatic.
Then I prayed a prayer that I haven’t said before, “Lord
help me. I can’t do it alone.” I felt something heavy was lifted off me and I
felt so peaceful.
That night I reconciled with God and with myself, and my
journey to freedom began. I wish I could say that I stopped my vices instantly,
but I would be lying which clearly does not align with my Lord's will.
Before I end my testimony allow me to say something about
addiction. During the time I was addicted to pornography I didn’t need a lot of
temptation for me to do it; I was simply gravitated to it and my actions were
automatic. And even if I didn’t want to do it I still did it; I couldn’t help
it. In short, I lost control over myself.
That night in Japan, God healed me from that irresistible
desire towards pornography thus giving me back control over myself. To rephrase
the favorite line of my favorite Christian radio drama program, Unshackled, my
heart, mind and soul were unshackled that night. Then he gave me His peace and
the assurance that He would fight with me. Jesus was enough to revive my soul.
After two decades of slavery to lust, my wounds were so deep
and many that it took me a couple of years to fully recover. Now I’m totally
out of the long, dark, and miserable tunnel for more than 3 years. God is truly
merciful and loving and my testimony attests to what the Bible has said that in Christ
we are a new creature – the old has gone, the new one has come.
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